“Oh it’s you.” Thunderbolt said sounding annoyed. “I always knew you’d come walking back into our lives one day.” She stood, looking furious, her arms crossed across her chest, one lip stuck out angrily to the side.
“What happened?” Lonely Dog asked, sounding close to hysterics. “I saw…the hedgehog…”
“Number One cliché in Fantasies slash animes.” A young women’s voice responded. “If there’s no body, they’re not dead.”
“Oh.” There was an awkward silence as the three people all tried to stare at each other without the other’s noticing it, till suddenly as one body all three converged together into a giant group hug, each individual crying, though none would admit to it later.
“I thought you were dead!”
“I thought I was too!”
“We lost AKiN!”
“WHAT?!?” The Fountain of Fantasy Cliché’s suddenly pushed away from the group, concern written on her face. “When? Where?”
“Just after you…died.” Thunderbolt said quietly. “She suddenly teleported mid-step. We’re trying to build a portal so we can find her.”
“Dajhgglksdjf, just as I suspected.” Doris began pacing frantically across the cliff top. “Did she leave behind anything vital?” Doris asked looking at Lonely Dog who held up the Organ Cooler for her to see.
“Thank goodness it wasn’t something worse.” Doris said grabbing the cooler and opening it up. She immediately turned a shade of green, snapped it closed and vomited on the ground. “Disgusting.”
“It is a stomach.” Thunderbolt said with irritation. “They’re not exactly snuggly.”
“Anyway,” Doris said ignoring Thunderbolt. “It’s essential that we head towards the nearest portal and track AKiN down. She’s in grave danger.”
“We don’t have the final puzzle piece.” Lonely Dog said mournfully.
“You mean this puzzle piece?” The halfing asked smirking as she held up a puzzle piece roughly half the size of her short frame.
“And besides that, how are we supposed to get off the cliff face?” Lonely Dog continued. “It took us hours just coming up.”
“Leave that to me.” Thunderbolt said, looking towards the sky. Doris and Lonely Dog turned in unison, eyebrows quirked in disbelief that this changeling could be any help. They gasped together at what happened next.
Thunderbolt’s eyes clouded over, turning milky white, the clouds above swirled into a darkened mass, crackling with lightning and booming with unconstrained thunder. The wind’s fervor picked up into a gale that threatened to whip the group off the cliff-top, all except Thunderbolt whose feet had left the ground as the wind swirled around her and lifted her a couple feet into the air. She turned her head, her hair swirling wildly, towards her two friends who were hanging onto the ground as if their lives depended on it.
“HOLD ON TO ME!” She shouted above the wind. Lonely Dog and Doris looked at each other and then leapt forward and clasped onto Thunderbolt’s legs. Within moments they were flying through the air, down towards the ground.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Monday, April 5, 2010
“Moogles?” I asked raising my eyebrows.
“No,” Lina said sarcastically. “They’re housecats. Of course they’re moogles!”
“Well excuse me little Miss Sorcerer!” I shouted back, glaring into her face. “I’m so sorry I’ve never seen a Moogle before!”
“Hmph!” We turned away from each other our arms folded across our chests. Expressions of anger and enmity on our faces.
“Uh, what’s their problem?” The white Moogle asked the purple haired girl.
“They’re best friends.” The girl said, sounding slightly airheaded. “And enemies. Hee hee.” She raised a flask of yellowish bubbly liquid to her mouth and downed it with a single gulp. “Yum. Hee hee.”
“Amelia.” Lina snapped in annoyance. “Is that Dew of the Mountains?”
“Yep! Hee hee.” WHAP! The spatula came out of nowhere, and visited justice upon the drunken girl’s head. Swiftly Lina straightened up and place her hands on her hips, spatula still in hand.
“What have I told you about drinking Dew of the Mountains?” Amelia’s eyes filled with tears as she pushed herself up from the ground where Lina’s spatula of justice had sent her sprawling.
“Good Girl, Don’t do it again.” Lina patted the girl on the head, and then turned to face me again. I quickly changed my expression from one of admiration to one of disgust. There was no way I was letting Lina know I admired her training methods. “Now what am I going to do with you?”
“Ahem,” The white moogle. Coughed irritated. “I believe the Mog wanted to speak to her.”
“Yeah, yeah.” Lina said waving a hand in annoyance. “Let’s go.”
The two moogles turned, the black moogle leading the way, I followed quickly behind them, suddenly remembering the way mine and Lina’s last meeting had ended. As I walked past Lina she whispered a promise to me.
“I’ll nuke you later.”
Who knew X-laxing a salad could cause so much enmity?
I followed the Moogles down the corridor, staying as close to them as possible, while Lina and her entourage followed close behind me. Nobody spoke; the silence was thicker than my Grandmother’s extra-strength porridge. Finally unable to handle the suffocating force of porridge-thick-silence, I attempted to make conversation with the moogle creatures.
“So you’re like…a cat?” I asked the white furred moogle.
“No.” He snapped, turning his orb-like eyes balefully on me. “What are you stupid?! Moogles and cats are totally different.” He then turned his face away from me and spoke into a tiny microphone. “Operation Fiscal Jackhammer has recommenced, returning target to throne room, as we speak.”
“So Maus,” The brown moogle asked his partner. “How come Mog won’t let me handle this?”
“To dangerous.” His partner responded in a low voice. Clearly, this conversation wasn’t meant to be heard by me. It was only natural then that I eavesdrop, I mean come on, they were right in front of me!
“It was not. You let me guard her. Why’s catching her any different, bro?”
“Mog said no. You’re too valuable Tonga. Besides, after what you did to her face, do you honestly expect me to believe you can handle this?”
“Oh yeah.” The brown moogle half-glanced towards me then let out a loud laugh. “Heh, ha, hig, hig, hig. That’s a pretty bolar face man. Hig, hig, hig.”
“Just wait until till your father hears about this.” Tonga went quiet after that; probably because he was too busy massaging the goose-egg on the back of his head. After a few minutes of silence, Tonga opened his mouth to say something, but at that moment we came into view of the throne room and he closed his mouth, straightened up and took the lead of the procession. It was then that I realized that while the white moogle, Maus, was wearing black clothing that screamed of the secret service, Tonga’s uniform, while similar to Maus’s, was adorned with a gold pendant depicting a crown and scepter on the front, indicating royalty.
Before I had a chance to ask one of my companions about it, the doors opened and I got my first view of the throne room.
“No way…” I whispered, my voice barely heard even by myself. “No way…”
Thursday, March 18, 2010
“Remind me again,” Thunderbolt asked in annoyance. “Why we’re doing this?”
“Because we have to help AKiN.” Lonely Dog huffed as he struggled to pull himself and the pack holding the organ cooler up the rope that was hanging from the cliff-face.
“I know, but seriously…why?” Thunderbolt stretched an arm up and grabbing the rope just below Lonely Dog’s feet, she swiftly pulled herself underneath him on the rope. “I mean what’s AKiN ever done for us. All that ever happens when she’s around is we get in even more trouble.”
“In case you haven’t noticed,” Lonely Dog said raising a hand up to grip the top of the cliff. “we’ve managed to get into quite a bit of trouble without her help.” He raised his other hand up and using all the strength left in his weary arms, managed to pull himself up over the edge of the cliff. After he pulled himself up he reached down and pulled Thunderbolt up, took off the pack and lay down exhausted on the cliff. This was it, there last stop before returning to the portal guardian with the pieces of the portal. They had spent weeks hunting through bizarre areas where time was governed by weird principles and magical keys unlocked doors that lead to giant hedgehogs that were killed by chandeliers falling on their heads. Lonely Dog’s weirdest experience had been watching himself run by multiple times in an area that allowed glimpses of parallel realities. But at last they had found 7 of the missing 9 pieces of the portal puzzle. Adding that to Tim’s puzzle piece, and they had 8 out of 9, and inside this dark spooky forest they would find the final puzzle piece which would complete the puzzle and allow them a way back to AKiN, wherever in the 10 dimensions she was.
“Yes,” Thunderbolt said continuing their conversations, apparently unaffected by the 3,000 feet of sheer cliff-face she had just scaled. “but she gets us into even worse trouble than you do. I mean, if she had just waited a few seconds until the correct portal had loaded, we wouldn’t even be in this mess. Now we’re Goodness knows where searching for pieces of a jigsaw puzzle, praying we don’t touch baleful hedgehogs that are everywhere. I just wanna go home!”
Thunderbolt sat down and to Lonely Dog’s surprise, she buried her face in her knees and began sobbing. Unfamiliar to the situation, Lonely Dog first gaped, then searched for someone to tell him what to do, and finally realizing it was up to him he sat next to the changeling and gingerly put an arm around her.
“It’ll be alright.” He said quietly. “We’ll get the final piece and then go back to Tim. Once we’re there I’m sure we can find a portal to send you back to the 3rd dimension.”
Thunderbolt sniffed loudly and wiped her nose with the back of her hand. Tears still ran from her eyes, but she spoke clearly to the Indian sitting next to her.
“That’s not my home.”
“It…it’s not?” Lonely Dog asked confused.
“*sniff* Nope. It’s…it’s…IT’S MY FAULT WE CAN’T GET INTO THE 8TH DIMENSION!”
Lonely Dog jumped and slapped his hands over his ears as Thunderbolt’s screaming turned into hysterical tears. After a few minutes he gingerly hugged her shoulders again, ready to cover his ears again if she decided to start screaming bloody murder again.
“How can it be your fault?”
“…*sniff* Moira cursed me.”
“She cursed me! I used to be Princess Carrie of the Darrington Royal family, then Moira shows up and turns my family to stone.” Tears forgotten, Thunderbolt’s voice filled with anger and frustration. “I was lucky to get out with just a blocking curse.”
“Just before I jumped into the portal, Moira hit me with a curse. It prevents the 8th Dimension from accepting me. I’m the reason we got sent here. I’M THE REAL TROUBLE-CHILD! WAAAHHH!”
With a loud sigh, Lonely Dog slapped the Princess on the back of her head, causing her to hiccup and phase into a thickly bearded man wearing medieval garb, a white cap and gold-rimmed circular glasses.
“What are you supposed to be?” Lonely Dog asked aghast.
“Ah, I knew that.” Peter hiccuped again, and transitioned back to the young blonde women, Thunderbolt.
Lonely Dog and Thunderbolt turned with fear towards the forest where the sound had come from. A blinding white light flooded out of the forest momentarily blinding the heroes leaving them defenseless. As quickly as it came, the light faded until it surrounded the short, skinny figure in front of them. Lonely Dog let out an involuntary gasp.
“It cannot be!”
“Oh it’s you.” Thunderbolt said in annoyance.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
“You think you’re pretty funny don’t you?” The voice seemed distant and hard to grasp. I couldn’t see anything, probably because my eyes were closed, but my eyelids were like lead and wouldn’t lift.
“Yeah I do actually. Tee hee!” WHAP! “OW!”
“Wash it off.” I heard footsteps and then a door opened and closed again.
“Aww man.” The second voice said whiningly. “It was just a joke. Everyone wants Moogle whiskers.”
I heard the sound of a rag being plunged into water. I had to act now, while the other one was gone. I could feel my strength returning slowly, the question was whether it would be in time. He was wringing the rag out, he turned on his chair, raised his arm over my face... My eyes flew open, and met his astonished face. I grabbed his arm and flipped him across the cot judo-style. I then sat up and ripped the IV’s out of my arms Wolverine style and raced for the door, which opened just as I reached it. I came face to face with a most curious creature, but without hesitation I decked it and ran past it through the large cavern-like corridor.
I kept running and running, dodging more of the curious creatures along the way. At last I was forced to stop at a fork in the road. Gasping for breath I tried to determine which way would lead me out of this blasted…cave? Now that I had stopped to take stock of my directions, I realized that not only was the corridor cave-like, but it was in actuality a cave. I gaped in astonishment.
“Then…I must be…underground?” I said in dismay.
“Wow, give the girl a prize.” A female voice said sarcastically. I whipped around defensively, expecting to see my captors enforce. My eyes widened with surprise.
“The very same.” The girl said flicking her orange hair and giving me a V-hand signal. Her companions looked confused. One, a muscled man with long blonde Legolas-style hair and a blank expression, pointed at me and asked the question that Lina’s companions were all wondering.
“Lina, who’s that girl?” Lina laughed heartily and slapped the man on the back.
“Hahaha! Gowry, you’re so funny.” Her face turned back towards me and her eyes narrowed. “Her name’s AKiN. My best friend and worst enemy. My equal in battle skills, sarcasm and witty comments, but not in looks.”
Here Lina found the need to strike a pose which might have been attractive, had she been more…ahem…endowed. I snickered.
“Hmph.” Lina said straightening up and fixing a contemptuous look on me.
“I didn’t know you had any enemies, Lina.” A cute young lady with short purple hair piped from Lina’s left arm. “I thought everyone liked you.”
“Haha, erm well…almost everyone.”
“Meaning, almost no one.” A tall, sinewy boy in a khaki cloak said from his post behind the purple haired girl. This man out of all of Lina’s companions particularly drew my attention. His skin was a seafoam green with strange purple rocks covering in strange areas. He must be a golem, I concluded.
“What do you mean by that Zel?” Lina asked tightly, an obvious stress mark appearing on her forehead.
“Hahaha,” A high pitched annoying voice piped from a ledge above us. “Well spoken Zelgadis.” The man was thin, like a sorcerer with black hair cut bluntly below his chin. He wore a black cloak and carried a magic staff with a red stone on the end.
I gaped in astonishment at this gathering. Where had Lina gathered such an extensive group, and to think I had been reduced to only myself, and missing my stomach at that.
As I was wallowing, two of the strange creatures I had seen earlier came running or bounding rather, up behind the group. The leader had a red mark in-between his eyes as if he had recently been punched, and the second creature sported an ice pack on top of his head. Both creatures were of a similar build: Large paws supported digigram legs that connected to oval shaped bodies with sinewy arms that ended in paw-like hands. Each sported red-ish/pink nose, cat ears and an odd wire like attachment coming out of the top of their hair, supporting a glowing ball at the end. The lead creature’s fur was pure white, with brown/red hair, blue eyes and a golden ball, while the ice pack creature’s fur was a dark chocolate brown. He sported black hair and a pink ball.
“What are you?”
“Sir William!” Lonely Dog barked. “Get a hold of yourself!”
“I LOV-ED YOU PIGGIE!!!”
SLAP! Tired of listening to Sir William’s constant wailings, Lonely Dog finally walloped the changeling on the back of its head, causing it to transition into its waitress form with an odd hiccup.
“HIC—OW! What was that for?”
“Sorry Sir William,” Lonely Dog began.
“Yes, yes, thunder—…thunderbolt?” Lonely Dog asked turning a quizzical brow towards the young woman rubbing the bag of her head.
“Yes, my name’s Thunderbolt, or at least this form of me is.”
“Awk-ward.” Lonely Dog and Thunderbolt turned in synchronization to gape at the little painted man who was now sitting up, his legs spread out as though he were stretching, a smirk across his face. “Aren’t you too just the loveliest couple.”
“WE’RE NOT A COUPLE!” Lonely Dog and Thunderbolt shouted and then scowled at each other.
“Anyways,” The painted man continued. “My name’s Tim, Guardian of the portal of the 5th Dimension, and this,” He gestured towards an empty picture frame that hung in midair next to him. “This is my portal. Or was, until a very stupid Indian and his very stupid changeling, through a rubber piggy into it.”
Tim stood up and folding his arms he fixed the two inter-dimensional travelers with a fierce glare that caused even Thunderbolt to quiver.
“What’s wrong with rubber pigs?” Thunderbolt asked, shrinking back behind Lonely Dog as Tim’s gaze intensified.
“Honestly! What do they teach inter-dimensional travelers these days! Rubber piggies have been condemned by every great traveler since the great Zim and his trusted sidekick G.I.R. set forth to change time.”
Apparently this piece of information was meant to cause some sort of epiphany in the two travelers, and when they only gaped, Tim let out a howl of rage.
“Morons!” He shouted. “I’m surrounded by the incompetent! Why! It’ll take me years, years to get it back together…unless…”
Tim began circling the two travelers, looking them up and down like an Arab purchasing a horse.
“Yes, yes.” He said finally coming to a halt. “You’ll do just fine.”
“Just fine for what Sir?” Lonely Dog asked cautiously.
“You people need a portal correct?”
“Then you’ll have to fix mine.” Thunderbolt gasped at this and immediately demanded to know why.
“Why? Ha ha.” Tim laughed. “Because it was your stupidity that broke mine, and mine is the only portal in the 5th Dimension.”
Monday, December 28, 2009
“ROOOAAAARRRRR!” The bone dragon came galumphing towards me as GM Riscvul walked non-chalantly off to make an ‘initiative roll’ whatever that was. I reached my hand down and uncoiled my magic rope (a gift from Wonder Woman) and started twirling it as I raced forward. Deftly I threw the lasso and watched as it flew nicely into place around the dragon’s upper jaw. I grabbed the rope in one hand and used it to swing myself up into the air. I landed on a pillar and leapt towards the dragon’s back.
“Oops.” I heard Riscvul say softly. “That was definitely a minor botch.” Soon afterwards I missed the dragon’s back and slammed into the pillar opposite me. The rope slid out of my hand as I slid down the pillar. I tasted blood in my mouth, and I became acutely aware of a broken nose.
“Omigosh!” I shouted. “What was that?!”
“A minor botch.” Riscvul said shruggingly form behind me. I turned around to see him crouched over a set of 8-sided dice. “You rolled successes equal to the ones, so it was only minor. Could’ve been worse.”
“Could’ve been worse!” I grabbed the smug man’s shirt collar and hoisted him halfway up to that I could look him in the eye. “Who the heck are you?!”
“I’m the GM Riscvul, I’m pretty much God.”
“I hate you.”
“You’re supposed to.” A loud roar erupted from behind me. The bone dragon was back.
“Alright.” I said dropping the GM and turning around. “Bring it…What the—?” Everything was black, I couldn’t see a thing.
“Ope,” Riscvul said with a slight laugh. “Gotta make a Perception + Awareness check.”
“Augh!” I screamed. “This is so stupid!”
“Please tell me that’s a good sign.” I could hear the dragon’s stomping getting closer.
“Well…It’s not a minor botch…but it is all ones.”
“Is that a good thing?”
“You see a range of pink rolling hills. Purple butterflies float lazily across a yellow sky. Just in front of you a unicorn reaches out its nose for you to pet.” Surprisingly enough I watched pink hills paint themselves into existence as a flock of butter flies lazily floated through the yellow sky. A white unicorn with hot pink hair trotted forward to meet me.
“Awww…I love unic—“ What felt like a five ton load of bricks slammed into me and sent me flying backwards through the walls. Then I watched as the yellow sky and pink hills circled out until only a small circle was left, and then that too faded inwards…
Wham! I slammed into the center of the lobby on the first floor. The pot of petunias had collapsed half my chest and I was in a great deal of pain. Groaning I pushed myself up into ‘up dog’ and with some confusion observed that I was looking at what seemed to be cement. No, it was foundation…
“Oh my gosh,” I heard a soft female voice say from somewhere above me. “Do you think she’s dead?”
“Here,” A familiar male voice responded. “I’ll make a roll. “
I stared at the foundation rock. If I was staring at what should have been under the tile of the first floor, then that must mean… Looking up revealed that I had crashed through the tile in the lobby and was now six feet under the floor of the first floor, which probably meant I was dangerously close to falling through to the basement. Groaning I pulled myself into a standing position and placing my right thumb into my mouth I blew hard and felt my chest re-inflate. This done I grabbed pot of petunias in one arm and whipping out my portal gun I created a portal out of the AKiN-shaped pit I was in.
I stepped out of the portal next to a girl who seemed to resemble the tallest of the girls who had attacked me in the elevator, except she was dressed decently. There was a man kneeling next to her who seemed to be very intent on a set of 8-sided dice.
“Yup, she’s dead.”
The Rest of this Narration will be done by the Crazy Old Man/Narrator…
A pot of petunias fell to the ground with a loud crash closely followed by a whump as AKiN fell on top. The Man looked over as the girl gasped and raced to the edge of the pit to see if it was indeed the same girl.
“Way to go!” The girl, AKiN’s roommate (now dressed in a red frilly shirt and black pants) cried. “You really did kill her Riscvul!”
Riscvul held his hands up in protest.
“It’s the dice, I didn’t do anything.”
“Bring her back!” the girl shouted.
“Or we’ll beat you with sticks.” Said a second girl coming around the corner. She seemed to be the blonde girl from the elevator, but had changed into boys clothing with a bandanna and a ponytail on top of her head.
“Poop.” Said the third roommate, a director’s sign swinging around her neck as she popped her head randomly out from behind the pillar next to Riscvul.
“I can’t do anything. Not without the Great Will of the Machrochasm.”
“Present!” A female voice said cheerily from behind the group. As one the group turned and gaped as what appeared to be a black hole with willowy arms on its sides descended from the middle of the second floor. “I was on my lunch break, what’d I miss?”
“GM Riscvul killed AKiN,” Megan said whiningly. “And we need her for our music video!”
“Hmm, I see.” Machrochasm said a look of intense concentration on her…well on her…uhm… her arms looked concentrated okay?! “Give me a second to subdue Pedro and I’ll fetch her back.”
AKiN’s narration will now continue…
Gasp! I sucked in a deep breath of air and opened my eyes. Above me were my three roommates, that one familiar guy with the dice and a…portal? With arms?
“She’s alive! She’s alive! She’s alive!” My roommates started singing as they danced around in a circle. Irritated I grabbed one of their ankles and tripped them. I stood up and brushed potting soil off my clothes. Poor pot of Petunias.
“Hello AKiN, my name’s GM Riscvul.” The dice man said standing and holding out a hand. “I’ll be your Game Master for today.”
“Do I know you?” I asked confused. He looks so darn familiar.
“No, but you will.”
“Wha—“ I was interrupted by a horrible screeching noise followed by an explosive shattering of rock as the left side door of the building blew apart and a giant bone dragon came stomping into the building roaring as it came.
“Excuse me will you?” Riscvul asked calmly and politely. “I’ve got to make your initiative roll.”